Melancholy & Missing Lighters

  "I'm leaving this country." As a so-called American, that's a statement I've often heard growing up and hear even more now in light of the recent political climate. I myself had grown up wishing to move to a different country. I fantasized about faraway lands cloaked in mist and mystery to me. Maybe somewhere in Europe. Maybe the British Isles. Maybe Russia. But for the entirety of my teenage existence, my heart had been set on South Korea. I studied hard, planning on applying to a Korean University. I continued to study, even after I dropped out of highschool. I continued to study, even as I failed multiple job interviews and realized it would take years of tirelessly working to maybe meet the required minimum of $15,000 in my bank account. I continued to study, even when I ran away from home and started living on the streets. I haven't studied since a traumatic incident last August. But even before then, I was slowly moving my attention towards o...

I'm riding on a train from Pittsburgh to Chicago Feeling as empty as this unloaded cargo, I am miles away and I know that it's true, But I'm still stuck on Superior's shore with you. I'm down Alabama fighting off the cold Thinking back to the day I had to let you go, Even with you in the ground on that day I knew That I'd be stuck on Superior's shore with you. From Florida to Texas and all the other places Nowhere else does the earth hold your final traces Clueless people keep saying that I'll make it through But I'm still stuck on Superior's shore with you, Oh, I'm still stuck on Superior's shore with you.

I am tired. I hate how we were treated. I hate how we continue to be treated by police. I made an effort. I spoke about what happened, even though I want to forget about everything. I even made a GoFundMe for the body cam footage fees. But I'm tempted to just delete the fundraiser and forget about the footage. I just don't have the energy to do anymore. I don't want to promote the fundraiser or the video. I don't want to market myself like a product. I already do that when I stand on the side of the road holding a cardboard sign. The internet is where I can just fuck off. My videos, they're essentially just me talking to a wall. Even if my videos show up in somebody's feed, they typically pass it over. And truthfully? I'm okay with that. My main intention for my channel and this blog is to be able to leave behind recordings of myself for when I die. I just want to make some small mark that'll be there when I'm gone. I don't want to fight. I...