I Am Not a Fighter

I am tired.

I hate how we were treated. I hate how we continue to be treated by police.

I made an effort. I spoke about what happened, even though I want to forget about everything. I even made a GoFundMe for the body cam footage fees.

But I'm tempted to just delete the fundraiser and forget about the footage. I just don't have the energy to do anymore. I don't want to promote the fundraiser or the video. I don't want to market myself like a product. I already do that when I stand on the side of the road holding a cardboard sign.
The internet is where I can just fuck off.

My videos, they're essentially just me talking to a wall.
Even if my videos show up in somebody's feed, they typically pass it over. And truthfully? I'm okay with that. My main intention for my channel and this blog is to be able to leave behind recordings of myself for when I die. I just want to make some small mark that'll be there when I'm gone.

I don't want to fight. I hate fighting. I'm tired. I'm not a fighter. And that's not because I'm privileged enough to not have to worry about anything bad happening to me. No. I don't even want to fight for myself. I'm just so exhausted and broken.

I want to be able to enjoy the little joys in life, such as dancing, singing, reading, writing, and making videos. I just want to be able to enjoy these and then die.

I'm weak. I'm weak and I hate myself for it. But that's the honest truth. I'm weak. I might not even be worth fighting for anyways. That's just how I feel.