One Year After Losing Her...

 I've been procrastinating. Not only in writing this post, but also in reflecting.

This past August tenth marked one year since Brutter's death. I remember going to sleep that night wondering if my body somehow would relive the event. Waking up suddenly just as the sky was beginning to light up. The burst of adrenaline sending me to my feet running. The denial. The confusion. The desperation. The grief. Sending shockwaves through every part of my body.

However, I woke up with ease just as every morning. It was around the same time, though, maybe a little later. At the time, we were in a patch of woods near Buffalo, New York. It was one of the first places I'd taken Brutter when she'd hopped her first few trains. It had been spring at that time. The may apples had just started popping up. The trees were still bare. I can recall her eagerness to explore the woods. Her nose constantly upturned, drinking in the new scents. Her tiny form scurrying up fallen trees. Her tail swishing with delight.

But this day was still and silent. The woods felt bland and lifeless without her. Most everywhere does, if I am being perfectly honest. But I offered a can of food and a dish of water, placing them upon a mossy boulder that her and I had been fond of perching on. I cut and burned some more of my hair, burned incense and herbs, and prayed for her. Then, the day carried on. Then the weeks. And now a month has gone by.

I think I'd been somewhat desperately hoping I would wake up that morning back in Superior. I suppose my grown interest in isekai novels had left me wishing I could wake up back in time. Wishing I could wake up on that day, only earlier. If only I could've woken up earlier that day. If only...
But whether we like it or not, life goes on and doesn't give you second chances. The dead stay dead.

Something seemed to shift in me after passing the one year mark, however. It wasn't anything particularly drastic. Something silent and simple. I've found a renewed interest in living. Once again, I am approaching life with curiousity. I even have something of a goal.

So, since I was a child, I've always had a pull to work with science. Initially, I had a childhood interest in paleontology, ecology, marine biology, and quantum physics. As I got older, I lost interest in physics and developed more of an interest in anthropology and botany. But I could never settle on any one field to be my primary focus. I continued studying earth sciences on my own more as a hobby, rather than in pursuit of anything, simply because I didn't know what to be in pursuit of.
This past August, though, I found myself motivated to sit down and reflect on everything. What had been important to me as a child, how my beliefs have grown and shifted, how I live my life, and what matters to me. Taking that all into account, I dug around online researching different fields of study. Eventually, one field finally stuck out to me.
From a young age, I'd always held a deep admiration and affection for nature, as well as a disdain for the humans who cause harm. So, it almost feels surreal that I've settled on human ecology as my primary field. But starting in my teens, I was guided away from the steep slope of ecofacism. I'd recognized that my love of nature likely stemmed from the fact that I am a part of nature. All humans are. Many of us have simply been taught that we are separate from nature. How we live, and how we interact with each other and our environments, impacts nature and ultimately ourselves. So, I believe it is a logical decision on my part. Especially since it is a compatible field with the research project I am working on. It's primary focus will be on observing the formation of and interactions within smaller communities formed beyond a shared ethnicity or traditional culture. As well as how they may or may not reflect what we understand about paleo human societies/communities.

I never imagined I'd finally be carrying out a research project. Especially one in which I have to interact with people and learn more about them. But there it is. I finally have a goal in life. The project will have no true end goal and will consist of a lifetime of study and exploration, so it'll certainly keep me busy. I've already been cracking back down on my studies again after a year of pushing them to the side. I've put together a three year study plan so that I can have a stronger understanding of my field and research. I'm finally going to focus on developing data literacy for the sake of the project (I detest statistics and have been avoiding learning them, but I suppose it can't be put off forever).

I still feel that emptiness in my chest, and the mornings are lonely without Brutter. I still would prefer to leave everything behind and join her, as well as my other loved ones who have long passed on. But I someday will, so there's no present need to hasten that day's arrival. In the meantime. I'll live one day at a time, doing the best for myself, others, and our earth. As well as embrace the ecstasy and agony of being alive while I still can. Because there were so many others who deserved the opportunity to do so as well.