Update

I've been avoiding... Well, I've been avoiding just about everything. However, I've had almost an aversion to posting on my blog. I don't want much to do with Instagram either. I think it feels too lonely. YouTube, on the other hand, somehow, it manages to actually make me feel more connected to others. 

Admittedly, ever since I lost Brutter, I've found myself, for the first time in my life, scared to be alone. I cannot even begin to express how deeply grateful I am to have someone like my road dog in my life. He's the first person who has ever truly understood how I feel and think. On top of that, he doesn't leave me, no matter how difficult our situation gets. He may not be the most perceptive when it comes to reading a room, but he still puts in so much effort to take care of others, including myself. I just don't really know how I would cope without him.

Throughout my life, I've often felt the world to be empty and hopeless. Yet, I'd always held onto hope that there might be something more, life may just yet get better. But now, I've finally lost every shred of hope. How can life get better, when the life that had mattered most to my husband and I, is gone? Gone before she could even live out her life. 

We've managed to hold each other up throughout this. Neither of us feel much point in continuing on, but for each other, we do. We still hurt for her, but together, we carry her memory.

I've been wanting to be able to face this blog again, and not feel like a helpless tragedy. My blog is a place to tell stories. A place I can come to reflect and remember. One of the stories I'd like to tell is Brutter's. It's not fair that her story's been cut so short. But I'll do my best to carry her memory for the rest of my life.

I'm slowly working on a memorial page on the blog for Brutter. It'll be a photo gallery of the nearly 500 photos I have of her, along with an outline of our life together, the time I was blessed to have had with her.

I'm not sure when I'll return to posting poems, or making zines. I don't plan on doing anything for October either. 

Currently, I'm housed up with some relatives who've been kind enough to welcome us into their home and keep us fed through our time of grief. It's been a relief, at least, to not have to worry about weather, food storage, or access to electricity. Yet, even so, I'm still struggling to do much. We can't be staying here much longer, I'm sure my relatives are feeling a bit crowded. So, I can't really imagine how much more I'd be accomplishing back on the road.

I have, however, recorded some more dance videos (which, I'll be posting about today's upload in the next post). I might be leaning more towards video making for the time being. I don't know. Right now, video making might be more therapeutic for me than blogging.