Melancholy & Missing Lighters

  Fultondale Public Library. This library was the first place I'd gone to with Brutter when I'd brought her out onto the road. We'd been charging our electronics out in the front. Just as we had done numerous times in the past. That time, however, the local cops told us to leave for no good reason. Nobody had even complained about us being there, they simply decided they didn't want us enjoying public state property that our tax dollars pay for. Brutter was perfect during that. I simply guided her to her carrier and she scurried in without a fuss. She was a travel cat from the start. She was so intelligent and picked up on things so quickly.   It's difficult being back in this area. Those memories of her pierce my heart. Even as I lay under a pavilion, keeping out of the rain in a park I'd never been to, I think of Brutter. I keep remembering the park pavilions I'd slept at with her. I keep noticing the lack of her presence. She should be here. I...

  For years, I have carried with me a memory from my childhood. I don't recall the exact situation, however, I believe I was expressing to my parents the frustration that I was feeling towards the hardships people were facing around the world. I think my parents had been sympathetic towards these feelings. But they only told me, "You can't carry the weight of the world."   For the most part, I would use their words to help myself turn off my emotions when faced with another's grief and even my own grief. Still, this hadn't quite sat well with me. I didn't want to experience the rage and the devastation I feel towards the many injustices of the world. Yet, I was fully aware that shutting my emotions down wouldn't fix anything. Shit, shutting down my emotions didn't even fix my own hardships.   When I was in jail, I heavily disassociated. That was because it was necessary for my survival. I couldn't let my emotions get in the way beca...