Melancholy & Missing Lighters

  For years, I have carried with me a memory from my childhood. I don't recall the exact situation, however, I believe I was expressing to my parents the frustration that I was feeling towards the hardships people were facing around the world. I think my parents had been sympathetic towards these feelings. But they only told me, "You can't carry the weight of the world."   For the most part, I would use their words to help myself turn off my emotions when faced with another's grief and even my own grief. Still, this hadn't quite sat well with me. I didn't want to experience the rage and the devastation I feel towards the many injustices of the world. Yet, I was fully aware that shutting my emotions down wouldn't fix anything. Shit, shutting down my emotions didn't even fix my own hardships.   When I was in jail, I heavily disassociated. That was because it was necessary for my survival. I couldn't let my emotions get in the way beca...

 I had been avoiding talking about this because of how greatly it has left me shaken. But I'm beginning to feel ready to discuss it. Truthfully, I had some hint of a warning before Brutter's death. It was of a supernatural nature, though. So, whether or not you believe in this sort of occurrence, please let my tragedy stand as a cautionary reminder to take the omens you are shown with a little more urgency.  I don't discuss my connection with nature spirits very often on here, or anywhere online, or even with the people I am close to. It is a very personal experience, between myself and the spirits (I'll refer to them as "gods" sometimes, however, I'm referring to the same beings). But to make it clear, yes, in the events I am about to recount, I spoke to a lake and I heard them speak to me. Gichi Gami first spoke to me the first time I'd touched their waters. It was a pleasant meeting, albeit, a tense one. The lake felt like they were holding back, ke...

 I once again am late to posting about another video upload. Now, one may ask themselves, why would she post about video on a blog that nobody reads? Or how did I end up on the ancient side of the internet? Or even, where do squirrels go during hurricanes? I can only answer the first question. I simply like to maintain something of an archival on my blog of my works. This includes, of course, my videos. Really though, I should probably keep the videos themselves on here as well. I think that's what I'll do, yes, just in case they're taken down from YouTube for some reason or another. They're by no means exemplary demonstrations of the art of dance, but I'm pretty proud of myself for actually making videos of something I love. It's taken me years to work up the nerve to even attempt to record myself dancing. In other news, living day-by-day is still rough. I'm still working with little to no desire to continue living. Dancing and singing gives me something to...

The air is cooler, the light wind singing with distant voices, and leaves are beginning to shower down. Autumn has arrived and so has October. As I've already said, I will not be doing anything for this month on the blog. I have, however, been pondering the question many people seem to be asking themselves: why does Halloween feel less magical? There are plenty of videos and articles discussing the depressing reality of adulthood, the lack of enthusiasm by society as a whole, and even the lack of any real community to actually celebrate with. From my position, there's not much I can do to fix it. But the one thing that has helped me reconnect a bit with that old secure and magical feeling is watching Halloween specials and Halloween/autumn themed movies. So, I've pieced together a playlist of Halloween specials and movies that I enjoy. I've also included loads of episodes of R.L. Stine's The Haunting Hour (I'm still adding new ones. Apparently, I am not caught u...

 Looks like I totally forgot to make a blog post about the third dance video I've uploaded. To be fair, I've been wanting to drop off the face of the earth, so haven't really been feeling up to maintaining everything. Anyhow, here's a quick little update: We left my relatives' place and hit the road again. Attempted to hop into New York, only to mistakenly catch a local that dropped us off almost thirty miles away from where we'd caught it. Since then (about maybe five days ago), we've been sleeping in a bush hoping the world would just explode. Electronics are losing juice, we're down to eating two packs of ramen a day, two weeks of rain are about to hit practically everywhere, and I'm still a healthy functioning body that won't do me the mercy of shutting down in my sleep. Honestly, I'm not doing well. I don't know how I'll ever be able to feel well again. Functioning is too much of an effort and the United States are real big on in...

Today, I have posted my second YouTube and dance video. It's a bittersweet feeling. In the video, I'm dancing to "The Night We Met" by Lord Huron. I've cried to the song numerous times, thinking about Brown Butter. I'd even started dancing to it while crying. So, I made a video dancing to it. It's a truly vulnerable video for me. The quality may be a bit grainy, but my tears were certainly pouring out as I danced. I'm vulnerable, and the dancing is sloppy (for multiple reasons). However, my grief is something I want to share. I feel as though that's common amongst humans. We want to share our grief, anger, joy, and every other emotion with other people. I have my issues with social media and what the internet as a whole has become, but, with how disconnected we've become, I'm grateful to at least have some connection through the internet. Even when nobody sees what I post, it still feels nice to get it out there. Since that first week witho...

I've been avoiding... Well, I've been avoiding just about everything. However, I've had almost an aversion to posting on my blog. I don't want much to do with Instagram either. I think it feels too lonely. YouTube, on the other hand, somehow, it manages to actually make me feel more connected to others.  Admittedly, ever since I lost Brutter, I've found myself, for the first time in my life, scared to be alone. I cannot even begin to express how deeply grateful I am to have someone like my road dog in my life. He's the first person who has ever truly understood how I feel and think. On top of that, he doesn't leave me, no matter how difficult our situation gets. He may not be the most perceptive when it comes to reading a room, but he still puts in so much effort to take care of others, including myself. I just don't really know how I would cope without him. Throughout my life, I've often felt the world to be empty and hopeless. Yet, I'd always h...

  Brown Butter is no longer of this world. On Saturday morning, my road dog and I woke up to the horrific sight of her tangled and dangling from a willow tree. Dead. I know that we did our best to keep her safe; we were vigilant and careful, but still failed. When I first decided to take her along with us, I said that I'd be responsible for her. I failed her. I failed to protect her. I failed to keep her safe. I failed to give her the many years of love and happiness that she deserved. I failed. I brought her along in the first place because she was a stray. She was a very affectionate creature. She craved warmth and affection. Each night, she'd curl up at my chest. Each day, she'd jump from the mattress I was on to the pull out couch my road dog was on. Making her rounds screaming for pets and scratches. The owner of the farm was too busy, even for his own favourite cat. The clowder of cats running around there received little attention. It just broke my heart to think...

I uploaded my first YouTube video yesterday! Making YouTube videos is something I've contemplated since I was a preteen (I think most of us who grew up with YT share that experience). I mean, I have made poetry videos in the past, but they appear to no longer exist (I don't even remember which email I used). I have attempted several times to make videos of just talking, but I struggle with stage fright. I can have conversations with myself lasting hours, but stick a camera in front of me and I freeze. I can freestyle dance smoothly and elegantly (for an amateur), but when a camera's thrown into the mix, I go stiff and forget most moves I know, automatically repeating the same moves over and over. I really want to connect more through YouTube. More dance videos, maybe some vlogs, essay and poetry readings, and hopefully I'll get up the nerve to make song recordings. Anyhow, after years of wanting to make a video of myself dancing, I finally managed to make a clip that I ...

  (Source) ((I know I specifically share poems on the full moon, and this is an excerpt from a novel. However, Seiler is a poet and that much is certainly reflected in his poetic prose.)) Mavin poured a small pile of seeds in his left hand. Each seed felt like a tiny vibrant city. He thought of Kep and thanked her for saving him. He thought of Lars and Trish and his mother. He thought of his grandfathers and his people. He thought of the whole wide world once full of ten billion souls. The soft damp earth smelled alive and sweet. He opened his eyes. The silky mist around them began to rise. As the seeds sifted through his fingertips, Mavin let go of his old view of the world. Facts and figures were cardboard. Existence was a burning, roiling, continuous funeral and birth--immeasurable. He walked in a spiraling circle feathering the living grains thru his fingers. Seiler, Mark Daniel. River's Child , Owl House Books, 2018, 144-145.