Dancing in the Memory of Home - Jarba // Kanizsa Csillagai & Update

 Looks like I totally forgot to make a blog post about the third dance video I've uploaded. To be fair, I've been wanting to drop off the face of the earth, so haven't really been feeling up to maintaining everything.

Anyhow, here's a quick little update:

We left my relatives' place and hit the road again. Attempted to hop into New York, only to mistakenly catch a local that dropped us off almost thirty miles away from where we'd caught it. Since then (about maybe five days ago), we've been sleeping in a bush hoping the world would just explode.

Electronics are losing juice, we're down to eating two packs of ramen a day, two weeks of rain are about to hit practically everywhere, and I'm still a healthy functioning body that won't do me the mercy of shutting down in my sleep.

Honestly, I'm not doing well. I don't know how I'll ever be able to feel well again. Functioning is too much of an effort and the United States are real big on independence and self-sufficiency. How can you be self-sufficient when you just have no will to function? This is what close knit tribes/families were meant for; something to fall back on. I'm convinced that we're a species of pack animals.

Regardless, I'm here, and I really wish I wasn't. 

Here's the video description and video:

"I still dance at times. Not because of a tremor in my bones, nor a catchy song. I dance because I am alive. I dance to tell the stories of those who are no longer here to tell them."

The above was an excerpt from a journal entry from a couple weeks ago. Until a few days ago, I'd been writing every single day since Brutter's passing. I had wanted to record as much as possible before joining her, along with working on a rather lengthy final letter to my loved ones. I haven't worked on the letter in a good week. I've found a reason to keep going, even if it isn't a particularly happy reason (by the way, as of now, that reason isn't working out too well for me anymore).

I want to live in order to keep dancing, singing, writing, and whatever I can to keep Brutter's memory alive for as long as possible. She had deserved so much more, but that's all I can really do for her now.

Jarba. She loved hiding in the tall grass. Mare jarba reminds me of her. Even when we were treated with hostility by locals, or cops; even when we had little hope of eating well; even when we were left to wonder if we'd ever be able to live feeling safe and being surrounded by many loved ones, we'd find solace in the grass. Brutter would sprawl out and hunt mice without a care in the world. It was always impressive watching the tiny cat spring out from and jump over knee high grass. She looked like a land dolphin.

People call us homeless, but we are each other's home. Brutter was my home, and I desperately wish I could go home.

The lyrics make me somewhat sad and nostalgic. Yet, the music and singing really sink into your bones and make you want to dance. It's amazing how powerful Romani music is.

In regards to my dancing in front of a camera, I feel like I've improved. I still mess up, but I've found I feel more comfortable. It was nice having access to a sizable space with level ground. So, I took advantage, and that's why I made two dance videos.

Once again hoping to not get taken down for copyright. I'm amazed the other two videos are still standing.

Song: Jarba

Artist: Kanizsa Csillagai