An Omen Unheeded

 I had been avoiding talking about this because of how greatly it has left me shaken. But I'm beginning to feel ready to discuss it.

Truthfully, I had some hint of a warning before Brutter's death. It was of a supernatural nature, though. So, whether or not you believe in this sort of occurrence, please let my tragedy stand as a cautionary reminder to take the omens you are shown with a little more urgency. 

I don't discuss my connection with nature spirits very often on here, or anywhere online, or even with the people I am close to. It is a very personal experience, between myself and the spirits (I'll refer to them as "gods" sometimes, however, I'm referring to the same beings). But to make it clear, yes, in the events I am about to recount, I spoke to a lake and I heard them speak to me.

Gichi Gami first spoke to me the first time I'd touched their waters. It was a pleasant meeting, albeit, a tense one. The lake felt like they were holding back, keeping me at a distance. Nonetheless, they were kind, welcoming, and even playful.

I had journeyed there after spending time with Niagara. I had felt such a strong connection with the river and falls. I had felt such a deep bond with the gods of Niagara that after a tearful parting, I had the desire to meet Niagara's source, Gichi Gami.

It was a desire that had managed to overpower my initial desire to never return to Superior, Wisconsin. Initially, I didn't have much against Superior. The land simply felt distant and depressed, left me particularly unnerved, and the train yards weren't particularly convenient means of escape.

During my swim, I had expressed to Gichi Gami that I was honored to meet Niagara's source. The lake only laughed and said "We're all sources." That made me feel silly for putting in so much effort to get there, and now, it makes me feel despair. 

Not long into our meeting, the lake imparted a warning to me. "Do not return after this visit."

Although it was ominous, it hadn't struck me as particularly malicious. Gichi Gami meant no harm, I knew that, but I also knew that there was something off about the land, both in Superior and Duluth. They felt sick, in a way. Dangerous to the most vulnerable. 

I don't know why I stuck around, but we'd spent about three days there. I suppose we were mostly waiting out rain. That's one of my issues with Superior and Duluth, it's rainy there, even when the weather says it'll be clear. The weather changes so suddenly and frequently, doesn't make it easier to ride out of there.

Just before dusk on the third day, while on the beach, the wind had suddenly picked up. The sky went dark grey, and the Weather Channel was reporting threats of heavy storms. My road dog urged that we go set up a tarp. If you think that sounds like a bad idea, you'd be right. But the weather was showing storms going on throughout the night, so he was just thinking of setting up for the night.

So, we returned to our camp spot. When I had two ends of the tarp tied up, a strong gust of wind burst through the trees, followed by a loud cracking sound. Instinctively, I ran away from the sound. I fell to the ground as soft pine branches landed on my back. I easily slipped out and got back to my feet. Both Brutter and Obie had jumped out of the way. Faye, Obie's dog, was the only one of us who had sustained any sort of injury, a black eye.

It was the top of the tree that had fallen, yet the trunk was so thick and it was so tall, that at the time, we thought it was an entire tree.

We'd ended up hurrying over to a nearby walking tunnel to seek shelter until the weather reported that all was clear and there would not be any storms that night.

I wanted to leave. I was ready to leave. We weren't safe on that land. But we stayed another night there.

We had investigated the fallen tree top to find that it had been alive. So, we weren't mistaken, there had been no signs of widow makers. This had only made Gichi Gami's warning feel more urgent. Only, it had me feel me compelled to leave Duluth, not Superior.

We ended up spending about two weeks in Superior. During that time, we were held up both by rain and by contemplating how to leave. We didn't want to end up in Minneapolis, but we also didn't want to put up with being stuck waiting for a ride four miles from the nearest water source for multiple days like we had the previous year.

But clearly, I should've sucked it up and had us leave as soon as the weather cleared up. 

I don't know why Gichi Gami was only reaching out to me in Duluth. I don't know why I never enchanted Brutter's collar with a protection charm, which I'd been wanting to do for over a year. I don't know why I didn't do enough.

Not only did I fail as a so-called witch, but I failed as Brutter's human. Because of this, I'm struggling to handle much more than basic cleansing and giving offerings. I can't even hear nature speaking to me anymore. Well, the last part's not entirely true.

I have largely just stopped acknowledging nature. I see a plant, I no longer dwell on the shape of a flower or the veins on a leaf. I can no longer hold a tree in my gaze long enough to question the genus and species. But they do still reach out to me. I constantly feel the gods brush against my mind and urge me to sit awhile with them. However, I can't. It almost feels physically painful to acknowledge these other beings. It's painful to acknowledge my own existence, and that I am alive when I should've died with her.

For once in my life, the world feels truly empty. Which, I know isn't true. I have relatives who are supportive enough to allow me a place and some time to recollect myself, or at least attempt to in the time I am alotted.

My road dog, who is the best human friend I've ever had, is further proof of the world not being empty. I don't know how I would've coped had he not been there that morning. I doubt I would've even bothered going to my relatives. But, I felt the need to give him a safe, stable place to grieve. Truthfully, I'm not certain at all how far I would've gotten had it just been me that morning. 

Initially, after I realized there was no saving her, I lied down and held her, clinging to the already faint traces of what I thought was warmth in her fur. I was resigned to stay like that. It was my friend's cries that stirred me. That brought me to my feet, and to his side, clinging to the heat still burning beneath his skin.

I'm convinced I should have died that day with her. Yet, I couldn't pull myself to leave him alone with his pain, our shared pain. I certainly couldn't turn my back on him when he promised that he would never leave me. Somehow, he's managed to mostly hold himself together for my sake. I'd always teased him for being such a helicopter parent with her. I know how deeply this has broken him. He continues to take care of me in my weakness, though. We take turns, of course; somedays he's stronger, and other days I'm stronger. Maybe not stronger, but more numb.

Trust your gut. When you feel wrong about something, don't let your exhaustion and fear lull you into a false sense of security. Heed the omens, and put those protection measures in place. Even if you yourself be alright, the most vulnerable of your loved ones may still be at risk.

Brutter and Gichi Gami