Update: Westward Woes

 I despise trains. I've said it before, I've said it again, I'll never stop saying it.

I am heading west, for maybe a job. Maybe we'll get there in time or maybe not. Maybe the organizers will have an issue with us. It'll be us and us alone. Maybe we'll encounter a fellow worker from this life. I do not know.

But we are running late and these trains are running me up a wall. 

I do not enjoy the anxiety this all entails. But what else is there? Where else is there to truly go? I feel so empy and aimless. I lack any will to push forward. Only my partner's annoying pressing keeps me going. How he has the strength to keep positive or at least the strength to keep going when there is no hope left is beyond me.

Maybe I am too privileged. Maybe depression and lack of motivation is a privilege. Maybe having someone to force me to get up when I have resigned myself to simply rot is a privilege. How lucky am I to have people who care about me enough that I can't stand them.

How blessed I must be to be able to simply wish I had no one. To simply hope they will all let me be so that I may die in peace. They're something I should cherish, aren't they?

But why do I find myself so constantly angry and on the verge of tears? Why do I find myself wishing my heart would simply stop? Why do I have love that I pray would go away?