My Regret

 Another friend of mine has passed away recently. He was the third loved one of mine to die in 2023 so far.

I hadn't spoken to him in nearly four years. Not due to any disharmony, simply due to the fact that the two of us hadn't crossed paths since 2019. During the time we hung out together in 2019, he had been a kind friend who helped me laugh and reach out to other people when I was feeling uncertain and vulnerable. I never told him how I grateful I was for his support. But, I didn't realize how strongly I appreciated him until I saw the Facebook post announcing his death.

I didn't believe it at first. I figured he had gotten drunk off his ass and simply lost his phone, leaving the door open for absurd rumours to spread. I was given a fright, but I was still certain it was a mistake. I had intended to ask around, and once given confirmation that he was not in fact dead, I would send him a message for him to get back to me whenever he could. I realized I had wasted time not reaching out to him sooner, I was so foolish as to allow social anxiety to hold me back from expressing my appreciation and affection for the people in my life.

To my despair, all my inquiries were met with a dreadful truth: my friend was truly gone.

I felt I had reached the end. I felt a sense of failure. I had failed to be the friend he needed me to be.

It doesn't matter if you converse with spirits and work with the dead. When a person dies, that's it for that life. That human who needed to hear you tell them how important they are to you, no longer exists.

I did what I could to manage the grief and guilt. I messaged him, saying what I had left unsaid and apologizing for being too late. I let him know that what this regret had taught me would not be in vain. I'd do my best to avoid leaving words unsaid.

I had then proceeded to spend that day messaging everyone, even simple acquaintances, and let them know what I admire about them, and how grateful I am for them being in my life.

Doing this, of course, fixed nothing. He was the one friend to whom I had so much to say. But I let that opportunity slip away. Worse yet, he's no longer around to laugh in the face of adversity, speak out against injustices, and cause light-hearted mischief; and that, is the greatest tragedy.